Why Smart, High-Achieving Women are Often the Most Lost in Midlife
Updated: 4 hours ago
It takes courage to go inside in midlife.
It might sound surprising, but the high-achieving women, who have done all the right things, ticking all the boxes (the grades, the career, the family) and holding it together really well, are often the ones who arrive somewhere in their midlife and feel lost.
Who am I actually?
Does this even make sense?
Where am I heading?
This doesn’t happen because you failed, not at all. Rather, the opposite, you did everything you thought you were supposed to and expected to do. You followed all the norms and standards and expectations. You made it.
I keep noticing a certain pattern when working with high-achieving women. Their sense of self and identity is so deeply related to (if not to say built on) a very specific foundation: achievements, goals, results and being the reliable one. There are roles, there are expectations, there is a plan.
And this works well for a long time. At least until some sudden or not so sudden change occurs. Until the children grow up or changes occur in relationships, career or life around. And sometimes it is just that inner feeling of restlessness that starts creeping in silently.
And then what?
What happens then?
I am going to be very honest here. For someone who has been for a long time with a plan, with all the answers, being the reliable one, this season might be very disorientating.
Your brain is used to following its program of completing the next goal or solving the next problem, and it does not know how to deal with questions that do not have concrete answers. It doesn’t know how to proceed without a clear plan ahead.
Neuroscience would tell you that relying for a long time on external validation becomes a strongly rooted pattern for you. So when the usual sources of validation fall flat, your brain is lost. You are lost. There is a lot of uncertainty and discomfort. It even feels scary.
And it can feel lonely.
When you are the capable one, everybody assumes you have it all together all the time. Nobody actually asks you if you are fine or need any help or support. You have always figured it out. You have always managed to be on top and achieve the gold stars you desired. It doesn’t even pass others’ minds that you could feel lonely, or at times lack confidence, or wish you could also cry on somebody’s shoulder. Showing your weakness is not exactly what you do.
So when this moment of “feeling lost” occurs, you continue feeling lonely. It will take time until you are brave enough to admit to somebody that you don’t know what you are even doing, that you do not have it figured out, and that actually you never had it all together in the first place (a confession I have heard so many times from highly intelligent and capable women). You needed to be the strong one for the others, you needed to hold space for the others, so that they could fall and feel supported. There was not even space for you to be the one who would need support.
And now, here you are. Having to figure this all out.
And this will take time and space. The same tools and methods will not work. You will have to turn inwards instead of relying on outward clues. You have to resist the urge to try to run to the next thing just because you feel that emptiness and urge to get moving. You have to be still and silent. You have to listen.
I want to be clear here. What is happening and what you are feeling is not a failure. It is a normal part of life and a season that catches up with all of us sooner or later. And even if at first it might feel like a crisis, it is not.
It is an opportunity for you to rebuild yourself and your life following your inner compass. And even if in the first moment you cannot hear yourself or see the way forward, trust me, it will show up. It always does. It is normal that if you have been so busy following the plan and taking care of everybody, you have not had time and space, and sometimes even courage, to listen to yourself.
And once you start listening to yourself, you have the opportunity to let go of the beliefs that have been limiting you and rewrite the old stories that no longer serve you and start envisioning your path forward.
Just know, this moment is not the end of something, it is the beginning.
I see you and I hear you. I am you.
Love, C
PS! Let me know if this resonates. 🤎
